Oscar Fashion Redux 2009

Ah, le siiiiiigh.  Is there anything I enjoy quite as much as watching the most important red carpet of the year?  I confess, there is not.  The only thing that could possibly make it better would be watching it with all of you ducklings.  

People dialed it down for the Oscars this year.  Almost no one brought the crazy, and there were very few adventures in color.  The ascendance of neutrals continued and the general tone was simple, elegant, tasteful, calm, and a little boring.  

Let's get to it.

Joys

Evan Rachel Wood in Elie Saab Couture.  Ka-BAM.  The color washes her out, but the fit and cut are flawless.  She brought it, killed it, fileted it, sauteed it.

Sweet, adorable, well-behaved little urchins in age appropriate clothing.  Lurrrrrrrve.

Marisa Tomei in Atelier Versace.  This is a lot of dress, but the look as a whole is harmonious and I think she carried it off well.

Tilda Swinton in Lanvin.  I realize this one is controversial.  I've put Tilda in the Joys list not just because of my mild girl crush on her, but because she's moved past attempting to look good in a pedestrian sense and just does whatever the fuck she wants in a very, very haute way.  And I always look forward to seeing what she'll wear.

Meryl Streep in Alberta Ferretti.  Beautiful color, age appropriate.  And she gave very good hair.

Anne Hathaway in Armani Prive.  This shit is flawless.

Viola Davis in Reem Acra.  If there's one event where you can get away with a gold dress, this is it.

Marion Cotillard in Dior Couture.  I am a big fan of La Cotillard.  She's one of those people who pushes the envelope toward the haute couture side successfully.  I love this blue and black thing happening, and the transparent skirt might be disastrous on some women, but on her I think it's fun and glamorous.

Concerns

Kate Winslet in YSL.  Really?  YSL?  I always think of them as couturier to the geriatric set.  I love this gunmetal grey on her (I love grey on most people), but there's just too much going on.  Why do we have a single inorganic shoulder strap AND a weird black lace overlay thingy?  Remove those two items and I think you've got a deadly gorgeous dress.  Also, hate, hate, hate the helmet hair.

Amanda Seyfried in Valentino Couture.  This one came darn close to the Joys list.  I like the color choice very much, and I'm not categorically opposed to bows.  But this particular bow isn't working for me.  It looks sort of glue gunned on there.  Also, hate the shoes.

Oh PSH.  You've broken my heart.  No... woolen... beanies... EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frieda Pinto in Galliano.  Ms. Pinto is very dear, very sweet, and very gracious, but this dress is very bad.  The bedazzled lace sleeve is killing me.  The cut and the color put me in mind of something an octogenarian would wear to a charity benefit in Beverly Hills.  

Sarah Jessica Parker in Dior Couture.  Love SJP.  Love Dior.  Don't love what's happening here.  Ms. Parker referred to the color of this dress as "barely mint."  Did she fail to notice that it's also "barely covering her boobs"?  When she presented, I was terrified that they were going to come flying out.

It's always thrilling to see a career actress be at long last recognized, and I wish Ms. Leo all the best, but this look is not good.  Hines referred to the color of this Badgley Mischka dress as "poopstain."  The cut is also distressing, diminishing what little we have to work with in the bust department, while lengthening the torso.  It's a little "Disney Princess" for my taste.  Capped off with a tragic case of mom hair, this look is seriously troubling.

I don't think it's going too far to say that Ms. Latifah is among the best dressed women in Hollywood.  The cut, color and fit are usually pitch perfect, which is a true accomplishment for a full-figured woman.  In this case, however, I think we may have stumbled.  First of all, her hair color is awful.  The Georges Chakra dress is also a bit of a wreck with its tragic neckline and crazy sheer overlay.  Not a fan.

Heidi, we know you look amazing.  We know you like to skate the edge of every trend.  Could you just pare down the bangles?  Lower the leg slit?  Dial down the color?  Something?

Someone has stapled used Kleenex to the bodice of Ms. Hudgens' Marchesa dress.  Furthermore, I hate Mr. Efron's tie and I can't tell whether his greasy coiffure is the result of too much product or too little shower.

Ms. Henson looked lovely in Cavalli, but I would've liked to see her in a different color - she did white at the SAG awards too.  Also, this reminded me and Hines a little too much of a certain wedding dress we know and love.

Miley Cyrus in Zuhair Murad.  Most unfortunate.  I know she tries, and at least she never veers into the vulgar, but this is a just a little too literal.  The fish scales and the seashells on the belt imply that Sebastian the crab is scuttling along not far behind.  

Penelope Cruz in vintage Balmain Couture.  When you wear white to a formal event, you run a distinct risk of looking too bridal, and Ms. Cruz has not successfully mitigated this risk.  Nevertheless, I do hope she finds Mr. Right.  

Jessica Biel in Prada.  Why she draped a dish towel over her front, I'm sure I'll never know.  

Also, her hair looked ditchly.  VO5 Hot Oil for this poor woman pronto.

Beyonce in House of Dereon.  Beyonce, darling, please stop letting your mother dress you.  If she had any talent, she'd be dressing other people too by now.  Hines described this look as "so Houston."  

Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera.  Amy darlin', you know I love you.  I love your choice of a deep beautiful red.  I'll even get on board with that fruit salad necklace if you want me to.  But the peculiar draping in the front of your dress, and your big clunky black shoes are not working for me.

And last but not least, the 2009 Bjork award (Oscars Edition) goes to...

Sophia Loren!

Sophia seriously brought the crazy with this Armani Prive disaster.  From the sheer sleeves to the promular ruffles, this dress screams "I'm off my meds!" with joyful abandon.