Nice day for a white wedding.

Let's pretend I'm getting married and I have a kajillion dollars and I want a couture wedding dress. Alas, only two of the foregoing items are true. But as long as we're pretending, let's take a look at some of the options I would have if I were selecting a gown from the 2009 Spring/Summer shows.

Anne Valerie Hash. Most little girls dream of getting married to a tall, dark, handsome man while wearing a huge, poofy, confectionary white dress. I'm sorry, but it's true. Some girls, on the other hand, dream of marrying a petite, curvy bartender while wearing a chic, modern white suit. I've seen it done. And I think it was done better than this. A properly fitted women's suit that plays up curves and feminine proportions can be very seductive. This look, on the other hand, is boxy and unflattering.

Mabille. I love the idea of wearing a wedding dress that's shorter than floor length, which is why I point this out. Other than the length, though, I think it's pretty tragic. The weird little flower sandals are killing me and the skirt and jacket top give the outfit bulk without bouyancy.

Dior.  This dress, on the other hand, I lurrrrrrrve. It's a more successful iteration of a shorter skirt - sweet, playful, bouyant and surprising. It's like wearing an exquisite china cup.

Also Mabille. The black veil is a little bratty, non? Plus again, the umbrella skirts are bulky without having that fantastical ball gown airiness I think most girls are looking for in a fuller skirt.

Dior. Medium lurve. I really like it when designers tastefully incorporate just a little bit of color into a wedding dress, although otherwise I guess this look is a bit of a yawner.

This dress isn't really bridal, but I thought I'd give a little shout-out to Project Runway alum Leanne, who is now apparently being copied by Valentino.

Elie Saab. Perfect for a chic little courthouse wedding.

Elie Saab. Beautiful cut, fit, and proportion, and I'll bet that fabric is ultra luxurieuse up close.

Elie Saab. Meh. This one kind of bores me. It's not bad but it's not good. As a girl with substantial hips, I'm naturally drawn to looks that are a little more waist conscious.

Lacroix. I think the majority of what comes out of Lacroix are crazy lady clothes. Again, if you're going to do that multi-tiered skirt thing, I want the tiers to be huge and resting directly on top of each other instead of breaking up the line of the skirt.

Chanel. The whole damn collection was white, so I just picked out the most bridal looking ones. Also, I hate them and present them to you with no further comment.

I think this is a good time to write a little about what we should hope to get out of the wedding dress. It's an embodiment of all our hopes and fantasies, yes, but it's also a direct message to the groom. Hopefully that message is: I am the gorgeous, amazing woman you always hoped you'd marry. We will have amazing hot sex, but I will not screw any of your friends. These are some dresses that convey that message successfully:

Elie Saab

Dior

And here are some dresses that convey slightly different messages:

Gaultier. We will have amazing hot sex and I will also screw all of your friends.

Givenchy. If you forget our anniversary, I won't cry or throw a temper tantrum. But I may pull a knife on you.

Anne Valerie Hash. As soon as this whole wedding thing is over, I am going to totally stop trying.

I didn't find my dream dress among the Spring/Summer collections, but if you forced me at gunpoint to pick a dress, I think it would be this one:

Elie Saab. Luxurious, yet lightweight. Body conscious, yet not skin tight. Perfect for a relaxed California wedding.