Tonys Fashion Redux 2009

The Tony Awards are adorable. At last, the high school drama geeks have made good, and now they get to dress up in couture and revel in their passion for stagecraft. I must say, I was quite pleased with most of the sartorial choices this year.

Joys

Anne Hathaway. She is looking damn fierce in Oscar de la Renta Fall 2009. One more spot-on ensemble like this and I may have to start referring to her as "La Hathaway."

Mrs. Gandolfini. Very lurvely.

Allison Janney. I'm not real happy about the hair, but I love her adventurous color choice. Also, the cut of this dress makes her body look smoking hot.

Jessica Lange. This is a less successful iteration of Ms. Janney's look, but still, I liked it. Here's hoping that's not a tattoo on her left wrist.

Hope Davis. The shoes are kind of promular, but I think the dress is super fun and flattering.

Nancy La Scala. I was torn about that drapey neck piece, but on balance I think this look is damn fierce.

Concerns

Stockard Channing. I love Ms. Channing, but this little number is frump-a-dump. Her makeup is too severe and it ages her. Furthermore, she's a tiny, petite little person and this dress makes her look even shorter. How about a perky Dior silhouette and shawl collar next time?

Edie Falco. I'm kind of torn about this one. I love her hair and makeup, and I love the dress in theory, but I think the crumpled fabric is most unforgiving on her figure. I'm guessing this was a stunner on the runway model, but just didn't translate to someone with a BMI above the starvation range.

Chandra Wilson. Empire waist is not for full-figured ladies. Pseurry. Although she looks very pretty, poor Ms. Wilson should not even have been permitted to try this dress on.

Samantha Mathis. Architectural dresses must be flawlessly fitted, and this one was not. Also, she comes across as just a little underdressed, no?

Bebe Neuwirth. Frump-a-dump. The length and cut are super boring. I know she has insane legs - where are they? Also, HATE the clown shoes.

Haydn Gwynne. Her pale skin is cornea searing, especially against that bright purple.

Dolly Parton. Speaking of cornea searing... But this is Ms. Parton's schtick and I'd expect no less from her. I say that in the most loving way possible.

And we have our first ever male recipient of the Bjork Award!!!

Paul McGill. Shiny green leprechaun suit. Enough said.

Joy? Concern?

http://www.engadget.com/2009/02/25/double-amputee-new-zealander-has-mermaid-dream-fulfilled/

Oscar Fashion Redux 2009

Ah, le siiiiiigh.  Is there anything I enjoy quite as much as watching the most important red carpet of the year?  I confess, there is not.  The only thing that could possibly make it better would be watching it with all of you ducklings.  

People dialed it down for the Oscars this year.  Almost no one brought the crazy, and there were very few adventures in color.  The ascendance of neutrals continued and the general tone was simple, elegant, tasteful, calm, and a little boring.  

Let's get to it.

Joys

Evan Rachel Wood in Elie Saab Couture.  Ka-BAM.  The color washes her out, but the fit and cut are flawless.  She brought it, killed it, fileted it, sauteed it.

Sweet, adorable, well-behaved little urchins in age appropriate clothing.  Lurrrrrrrve.

Marisa Tomei in Atelier Versace.  This is a lot of dress, but the look as a whole is harmonious and I think she carried it off well.

Tilda Swinton in Lanvin.  I realize this one is controversial.  I've put Tilda in the Joys list not just because of my mild girl crush on her, but because she's moved past attempting to look good in a pedestrian sense and just does whatever the fuck she wants in a very, very haute way.  And I always look forward to seeing what she'll wear.

Meryl Streep in Alberta Ferretti.  Beautiful color, age appropriate.  And she gave very good hair.

Anne Hathaway in Armani Prive.  This shit is flawless.

Viola Davis in Reem Acra.  If there's one event where you can get away with a gold dress, this is it.

Marion Cotillard in Dior Couture.  I am a big fan of La Cotillard.  She's one of those people who pushes the envelope toward the haute couture side successfully.  I love this blue and black thing happening, and the transparent skirt might be disastrous on some women, but on her I think it's fun and glamorous.

Concerns

Kate Winslet in YSL.  Really?  YSL?  I always think of them as couturier to the geriatric set.  I love this gunmetal grey on her (I love grey on most people), but there's just too much going on.  Why do we have a single inorganic shoulder strap AND a weird black lace overlay thingy?  Remove those two items and I think you've got a deadly gorgeous dress.  Also, hate, hate, hate the helmet hair.

Amanda Seyfried in Valentino Couture.  This one came darn close to the Joys list.  I like the color choice very much, and I'm not categorically opposed to bows.  But this particular bow isn't working for me.  It looks sort of glue gunned on there.  Also, hate the shoes.

Oh PSH.  You've broken my heart.  No... woolen... beanies... EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frieda Pinto in Galliano.  Ms. Pinto is very dear, very sweet, and very gracious, but this dress is very bad.  The bedazzled lace sleeve is killing me.  The cut and the color put me in mind of something an octogenarian would wear to a charity benefit in Beverly Hills.  

Sarah Jessica Parker in Dior Couture.  Love SJP.  Love Dior.  Don't love what's happening here.  Ms. Parker referred to the color of this dress as "barely mint."  Did she fail to notice that it's also "barely covering her boobs"?  When she presented, I was terrified that they were going to come flying out.

It's always thrilling to see a career actress be at long last recognized, and I wish Ms. Leo all the best, but this look is not good.  Hines referred to the color of this Badgley Mischka dress as "poopstain."  The cut is also distressing, diminishing what little we have to work with in the bust department, while lengthening the torso.  It's a little "Disney Princess" for my taste.  Capped off with a tragic case of mom hair, this look is seriously troubling.

I don't think it's going too far to say that Ms. Latifah is among the best dressed women in Hollywood.  The cut, color and fit are usually pitch perfect, which is a true accomplishment for a full-figured woman.  In this case, however, I think we may have stumbled.  First of all, her hair color is awful.  The Georges Chakra dress is also a bit of a wreck with its tragic neckline and crazy sheer overlay.  Not a fan.

Heidi, we know you look amazing.  We know you like to skate the edge of every trend.  Could you just pare down the bangles?  Lower the leg slit?  Dial down the color?  Something?

Someone has stapled used Kleenex to the bodice of Ms. Hudgens' Marchesa dress.  Furthermore, I hate Mr. Efron's tie and I can't tell whether his greasy coiffure is the result of too much product or too little shower.

Ms. Henson looked lovely in Cavalli, but I would've liked to see her in a different color - she did white at the SAG awards too.  Also, this reminded me and Hines a little too much of a certain wedding dress we know and love.

Miley Cyrus in Zuhair Murad.  Most unfortunate.  I know she tries, and at least she never veers into the vulgar, but this is a just a little too literal.  The fish scales and the seashells on the belt imply that Sebastian the crab is scuttling along not far behind.  

Penelope Cruz in vintage Balmain Couture.  When you wear white to a formal event, you run a distinct risk of looking too bridal, and Ms. Cruz has not successfully mitigated this risk.  Nevertheless, I do hope she finds Mr. Right.  

Jessica Biel in Prada.  Why she draped a dish towel over her front, I'm sure I'll never know.  

Also, her hair looked ditchly.  VO5 Hot Oil for this poor woman pronto.

Beyonce in House of Dereon.  Beyonce, darling, please stop letting your mother dress you.  If she had any talent, she'd be dressing other people too by now.  Hines described this look as "so Houston."  

Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera.  Amy darlin', you know I love you.  I love your choice of a deep beautiful red.  I'll even get on board with that fruit salad necklace if you want me to.  But the peculiar draping in the front of your dress, and your big clunky black shoes are not working for me.

And last but not least, the 2009 Bjork award (Oscars Edition) goes to...

Sophia Loren!

Sophia seriously brought the crazy with this Armani Prive disaster.  From the sheer sleeves to the promular ruffles, this dress screams "I'm off my meds!" with joyful abandon.

Grammy Fashion Redux 2009

Ugh, the Grammys. They award Grammys in no fewer than 110 categories, darlings. I mean, who doesn't have a Grammy at this point? It's roughly as prestigious as receiving employee of the month. But the Grammy red carpet is always worth catching, due largely to the fact that musicians tend to dress like circus people and/or prostitutes. Necklines and standards are equally low.

Before I jump in with the bitching, a brief discussion of the character of the event is in order. I think it's a mistake to hold Grammy fashion to the standards of a true black tie event. Many musicians are pathologically incapable of meeting this standard, and the Grammys are not, strictly speaking, a black tie event, as they commence prior to 6 p.m. Furthermore, they take place in Los Angeles, where slight bending of the rules is accepted and sometimes even appropriate. With this in mind, I am going to judge this year's Grammy fashion as follows: I will not be taking into account whether an outfit is appropriate for the event, but rather whether it is a successful look completely independent of its context, because I think deciding whether something is "appropriate for the Grammys" would require a labyrinthine discussion that could take days and probably would not result in a satisfactory answer.

This year, the Grammys red carpet blessed us with all manner of hysterical sartorial tragedies, but also some respectable efforts at dressing like grownups.

Joys and Concerns

Joys

Sara Bareilles

This look is arguably a little young for her (she's staring down the barrel of 30), but I still think it's sweet and fun, and the color combination of salmon and pale pink is delightful. I know I've bitched about that same skirt material in previous posts, but I think it works here in a shorter length.

Miley Cyrus

This look is far too old for her, but other than that, I find it unobjectionable. Which is really as much as one can hope for at the Grammys.

Taylor Swift

Lurve. Hair and makeup are spot-on.

Carrie Underwood

It's not the most flattering dress in the world - strange things are happening in that midsection. But I like the color choice.

Concerns

Duffy

So close! But still, fail. I absolutely despise netting. Also, the asymmetrical neckline isn't working for me.

Jordin Sparks

Horrifying. She is dressed in the worst bathroom wallpaper of all time. I'm sure I don't even need to describe my incredible indignation at that neckline embellishment.

Designer Basil Soda. Two ladies were dressed, unsuccessfully, by new "up and coming" Lebanese designer Basil Soda. I've reviewed several of his designs other than these two stinkers, and I find them almost unilaterally horrifying. While I congratulate Mr. Soda on this coup, I sincerely hope he's up and going.

Leona Lewis

Horrible color, horrible fit, horrible cut.

Lisa Rinna

What is she even doing there? And why is she dressed like a tranny prostitute? Her implants are staring each other down across that impossibly wide chasm of her cleavage. Natural boobs do not sit that far apart.

The Bjork Award (Grammys edition) goes to:

M.I.A.

Pregnant women have enough emotional challenges to surmount without having to feel anxious about their bodies, so thumbs up to M.I.A. for just putting it out there. I actually love the color and print of this dress, and had she chosen some more attractive shoes, I think this would've been a pretty darling look. However, this little number is indefensible:

Every woman has physical fashion challenges (wide hips, thick waist, flat chest, cankles, etc.), and there are time-tested ways of ameliorating them. For a heavily pregnant woman, a dress made of netting with strategically placed polka dot patches designed to emphasize the roundness of various body parts is not the way to go. I'm sure I needn't tell you how horrified I was to watch her gyrating and scampering around the stage in this "dress." It's enough to make a girl wanna get her tubes tied.