Grammy Fashion Redux 2009

Ugh, the Grammys. They award Grammys in no fewer than 110 categories, darlings. I mean, who doesn't have a Grammy at this point? It's roughly as prestigious as receiving employee of the month. But the Grammy red carpet is always worth catching, due largely to the fact that musicians tend to dress like circus people and/or prostitutes. Necklines and standards are equally low.

Before I jump in with the bitching, a brief discussion of the character of the event is in order. I think it's a mistake to hold Grammy fashion to the standards of a true black tie event. Many musicians are pathologically incapable of meeting this standard, and the Grammys are not, strictly speaking, a black tie event, as they commence prior to 6 p.m. Furthermore, they take place in Los Angeles, where slight bending of the rules is accepted and sometimes even appropriate. With this in mind, I am going to judge this year's Grammy fashion as follows: I will not be taking into account whether an outfit is appropriate for the event, but rather whether it is a successful look completely independent of its context, because I think deciding whether something is "appropriate for the Grammys" would require a labyrinthine discussion that could take days and probably would not result in a satisfactory answer.

This year, the Grammys red carpet blessed us with all manner of hysterical sartorial tragedies, but also some respectable efforts at dressing like grownups.

Joys and Concerns

Joys

Sara Bareilles

This look is arguably a little young for her (she's staring down the barrel of 30), but I still think it's sweet and fun, and the color combination of salmon and pale pink is delightful. I know I've bitched about that same skirt material in previous posts, but I think it works here in a shorter length.

Miley Cyrus

This look is far too old for her, but other than that, I find it unobjectionable. Which is really as much as one can hope for at the Grammys.

Taylor Swift

Lurve. Hair and makeup are spot-on.

Carrie Underwood

It's not the most flattering dress in the world - strange things are happening in that midsection. But I like the color choice.

Concerns

Duffy

So close! But still, fail. I absolutely despise netting. Also, the asymmetrical neckline isn't working for me.

Jordin Sparks

Horrifying. She is dressed in the worst bathroom wallpaper of all time. I'm sure I don't even need to describe my incredible indignation at that neckline embellishment.

Designer Basil Soda. Two ladies were dressed, unsuccessfully, by new "up and coming" Lebanese designer Basil Soda. I've reviewed several of his designs other than these two stinkers, and I find them almost unilaterally horrifying. While I congratulate Mr. Soda on this coup, I sincerely hope he's up and going.

Leona Lewis

Horrible color, horrible fit, horrible cut.

Lisa Rinna

What is she even doing there? And why is she dressed like a tranny prostitute? Her implants are staring each other down across that impossibly wide chasm of her cleavage. Natural boobs do not sit that far apart.

The Bjork Award (Grammys edition) goes to:

M.I.A.

Pregnant women have enough emotional challenges to surmount without having to feel anxious about their bodies, so thumbs up to M.I.A. for just putting it out there. I actually love the color and print of this dress, and had she chosen some more attractive shoes, I think this would've been a pretty darling look. However, this little number is indefensible:

Every woman has physical fashion challenges (wide hips, thick waist, flat chest, cankles, etc.), and there are time-tested ways of ameliorating them. For a heavily pregnant woman, a dress made of netting with strategically placed polka dot patches designed to emphasize the roundness of various body parts is not the way to go. I'm sure I needn't tell you how horrified I was to watch her gyrating and scampering around the stage in this "dress." It's enough to make a girl wanna get her tubes tied.