You may find yourself wondering what possible qualifications I could have to critique fashion. I must admit that I have none, other than wearing clothes myself most days of the week. But the best fashion critiques rely not so much on expertise as well delivered bitchery. In which I have been known to engage and occasionally even excel. So enjoy! And comment!
Trends
This year there were lots of big, sweeping skirts and chunky jewelry with botanical motifs. The two colors worthy of note were blue (from ice to midnight) and various regrettable shades of pinkish taupe reminiscent of Barbie flesh. Guess which color trend I hated. But more on that later. First, joys and concerns.
Joys
Christina Applegate's necklace and her extreme good humor for gracefully fielding hundreds of questions about her breast cancer.
Kate Winslet's tasteful, structured, approrpriate black dress.
Tina Fey tarting it up a little with that perilously plunging neckline.
Concerns
Sally Hawkins - I can't even start in on her dress - I'm too worried about her weight. Someone please make her a milkshake.
Rachel Griffith's tragic, rumpled gold trash bag. She should fire her stylist and buy a steamer.
Julie Benz's seafoam bridesmaid's dress.
Jenna Fisher - grandma is gonna be super pissed when she figures out what happened to her curtains.
Even Media Darlings Get the Blues
Blue was all over the place on Sunday night, and while I loved the color choice, some looks were more successful than others. Much was made of Anne Hathaway's severe hair and makeup, but with a decadent, dazzling, full skirted dress covered in Swarovski crystals, I feel like a little restraint was merited. Lurved it.
Debra Messing's satin mermaid ruffle halter thingie might've had a chance if she'd had the boobs to sustain it. But alas, hated it.
Maggie Gyllenhaal's hair was super, super good and her blue animal print dress was daring in the very best sense. Lurved it.
Blake Lively's hair, on the other hand, was effortless in the very worst sense, and her dress was incredibly unforgiving. That tummy bunching is bad news. Hated it.
As for Mary-Louise Parker, I've rooted for her ever since that cad Billy Crudup dumped her while she was pregnant with his baby. Hope he watched the Golden Globes and was totally devastated by her fabulousness. Lurved it.
Not Pretty in Pink
Several ladies wore pink to the Golden Globes, which at its best can be the ultimate femmy, fun color. I didn't see anyone looking pretty in pink on Sunday night, however. I know Cameron Diaz's two tone locks are "fashion forward," but to me it just looks like the recession hit her so hard she can no longer get her roots done. And lord knows she spends time taking care of that bod of hers, so why swath it in 47 yards of hyperpink fabric? Hated it.
Brooke Burke looked like she was being eaten alive by her dress. Beading, draping, twisting, gathering, dragging. Way. Too. Much. Going. On. Hated it.
As for Olivia Wilde, I think we can expect some PETA protests on behalf of the Muppets who were skinned to make that skirt. Hated it.
Remaining Neutral
No fewer than 14 women showed up to the Golden Globes in varying shades of beige, paste, putty, ecru and taupe. And despite the fact that some of them looked sensational, I find these dresses to be such yawners that I present them to you with no further comment.
And last but not least, this year's Bjork Award for Embarrassing Yet Inspiring Sartorial Bravery goes to:
Renee Zellweger!
I was so relieved to see that she hadn't worn another goddamn Carolina Herrera dress that I quietly cheered for this look, despite the fact that it's what we might traditionally deem a "disaster." Until, of course, I found out that this dress is also by Carolina Herrera. Sigh. Still, three cheers to the former Mrs. Chesney for branching out a little, even if she's clinging to the wrong twig.
Honorable mention to:
Heidi Klum
This dress belongs on a 20-something warbling "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" at karaoke night after too many Midori sours. Also, even mild suggestions of the recent gladiator sandal trend make me break out in hives. However, it is brave of a 40-year-old mother of three to wear something so... exuberant? So honorable mention to Mrs. Seal.
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