Our first featured item on TSN is:
The Hummer, and all derivations thereof, especially the ghastly stretch Hummer. These oversized monstrosities generally disgorge herds of teenagers stampeding toward the school gym, asserting that "prom is going to be so awesome." If you find yourself entering or exiting a stretch Hummer as an adult, it may be time to admit that your life has become unmanageable.
The H2 and H3 "mini" Hummers are also super, super gauche. You see, good manners are born the moment we realize that we share the world with other people. When your choice of vehicle makes it difficult for others to park or survive a fender bender, you've overstepped the boundaries of good taste. All kinds of wonderful things can be hidden by the Hummer's enormous blind spots: children, squirrels, ice cream vendors, normal size cars, Lalees. We don't want to dent, break, bump, or flatten any of those things!
The lesson is: just because you can afford a big giant tank doesn't mean you should purchase one. That's seau nouveau.
Thank you Jessica! I was watching the stars leave the Oscars once (bc I was a gauche freshman and they were having it at the Shrine) and all these celebs were waiting for their limos for hours. Then this sleek, black S-class Mercedes swooped up with a man in a tux behind the wheel. Dylan McDermott hopped in the back seat and they sped off. The whole affair lasted seconds and it was so chic I could barely breathe.
ReplyDeleteBut as far as cars go, you should see what the rich kids at OSU drive. It is EMBARRASSING. They all have either super tricked-out mustangs or they have GIGANTIC trucks. Someone had a truck so big in the parking lot today that it had two of those little chimney things on the side, like a semi. And it was lifted. There was a boy behind the wheel who was probably 19.
Oh and I saw a freshman at USC with a Hummer last year. Not an H2. The REAL MILITARY-ISSUE HUMMER.
ReplyDeleteI am! If you do indeed swing by my fair hamlet I insist that you contact me! I'll show you all there is to see. It'll only take five minutes.
ReplyDelete